I was confessing in the previous post about how much I’ve neglected painting of late. My attention has been fixed upon other things, and not only have I not been painting, I have not wanted to paint. I “intend” to work, but don’t. Little distractions lead me astray.
I was thinking about it today — about the things that trigger for me a desire to paint. For me, it’s color. Even just thoughts about certain color combinations can make me want to paint — though I haven’t tried very hard to use these thoughts to get myself back to work.
Part of the problem is perhaps about responsibility. I do believe that being responsible is a central component of one’s character, a core virtue that one wants to possess. Yes, I do aspire to being a responsible person. But I have to admit that “responsibility” doesn’t paint pictures. Sometimes I have done my best painting when I was “goofing off” with an idea. Sometimes my most productive times have felt more like play than work — good enough to make one feel guilty about the exuberance.
In this unproductive phase, I’m wondering to myself if in order to be more “responsible” in the making of pictures, maybe I need to be more irresponsible. Perhaps I need a strong dose of play. Perhaps I am too diligent. Could I be lacking in a certain kind of essential laziness? Am I too uptight? Perhaps the flowers will matter most when they become “just flowers,” beautiful and useless and transitory like real flowers. Just simple flowers.